Warm Fuzzies

So shortly after my last post, everyone started to filter back in. My Mom and bro returned from Church and N and E came back from breakfast at his moms. The house began to fill up with noise, and I got irritable. My Aunt stopped by on her way home from church and I was admiteddly irritated with her, since she knew my Dad was sick and resting.

BUT I am an asshat. Actually she stopped by because she had asked my Mom about my Dad at church. Dad had been feeling quite shitty to be honest. The Drs had given him a pill to help with the nausea but it cost $200 for one pill. Two frickin Hundred. So my dad kept saying he would keep it til he felt worse. In their world (and mine) 200 is a ton. Anyway here he was feeling too crappy to attend church, and trying to convince himself he felt fine.

Well my Aunt came in gave him $200 and made him take the pill. :)

It gave me the warm fuzzies.

It's Quiet

Wow that word is so foreign to me I had to double check that I had spelled it correctly. We're visiting with family this weekend, and N and E are at MILs. Mom and lil bro are at church. And Dad is resting on the couch.

And here I am wanting to type something but having nothing new or interesting to relate. I just had to mark this monumental occasion. Ha Ha

Down

That's me today. I'm just down and yuck and angry and bluh. I feel overwhelmed and under stimulated at the same time.

Yesterday was my bday. It was also the day my Dad started his Chemo treatments. About a month ago N and I were preparing to go out on a Saturday. We never get out so I was fixing my hair for once. The phone rings and I sit on the edge of the tub and listen as my mom tells me my Dad has lung cancer. A lump forms in my throat but I try to remain steely and calm. I continue to calmly chat with her as I take E to her room and put her shoes on. We say our good byes and I love yous. I hang up the phone then run crying to N, my arms out stretched. It all comes pouring out in choking sobs. Why Why Why?! Hasn't this family had enough cancer? Why? E wonders in and I pretend to be fine and ask N to take her to her room to play. I cry more. and more and more. I want the past hour to disappear. I want to disappear.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of driving to visit them every weekend and then trudging through a slow week. A few years ago when my mom had cancer, members outside of my family told me what a relief it was for my family for me to be around. I cheer them up, I am the jokester the fun one.

I am the sad clown, a painted on smile and a tear sparkling in my eye. Its been eating me. Making me angry when I'm not "performing." I've said some mean things to N. Some horrible mean things. I'm the ornery alligator, the sleeping dog, the wicked bitch of the east. Anger is so much easier than sadness. So that's what I did. I got angry. I bet if I had a lawn with kids on it, they would've gotten a stern fist shaking.

Anyway I cracked. It all came pouring out and I'm trying to deal with things as they come. And I guess that means being sad. I am sad. I still want to go back in time.

After months of sending him around my dad is no closer to answers about his cancer than I am about this time machine I'm planning to build. Final result is 3% of cancers is unknown, and this is one of them. Course of action is to treat and test, til something shows positive results.

Sigh I'm sad and don't know how to be happy. I sit, I am ...but I am not.



Oh and for my birthday yesterday I ordered a yard of sparrows. Fuck the no spend.

Yum Yum Fiesta!

So an innocent discovery while scouring a junk store led me to a new obsession; Fiestaware! So purty. Last summer my mom and I were looking for a sand box for E, and stopped at a junk store. This is not just any junk store this is THE junkstore. And for anyone that knows where I am from, it should go without saying that it was Calvin's. Though now that I think about it I don't know what the real name of the place is. Everyone locally refers to it by the owners full name. And the junk has long been piled higher than the name painted on the building. Hmm now I'm curious.

Let me paint a picture of this place for those who haven't seen it. Imagine a building with rooms randomly built on for years. Imagine none of those rooms being built to code. More or less just stuck on in the cheapest easiest way possible and making very little sense in the overall flow. (Kind of like my first Sims house.) K got it... now imagine this building on the side of a hill.. well cliff but just a cliff high enough to kill you if you fall off. Maybe a couple hundred feet. Yea that's it. And imagine that when you go inside each room has its own slant, so you windup walking like you're sailing on rough seas. K sufficiently scared enough to never take your children inside? But the catch is, he has some really great finds in there (And some things that should long ago been dumpstered.)

Well anyway, my mom and I decided to stop to see if they had a sandbox. (They didn't.) So we wondered around a bit. Well downstairs and about three rooms back, in a room that feels oddly like its about to slide over the hill, is fiesta. Each wall has 4 shelves running the length of the room, each about 24" deep, stacked with fiesta. The middle of the room is filled with old records, but I ignore them. I am there for the dishes.

I had always admired fiestaware, but put that aside because of the price. And did so on the day I found it as well. Months past and then for Christmas I got money for a present from several people, because apparently I'm hard to buy for. So one cold morning my Mom and I bundled up and went to the hole in the ground where they hide the dishes. Ha Ha

Knowing the I was going to hang my quilt in the dining area and planned to make matching placemats, I picked a few pieces that I could set out and coordinate with that color scheme. 2 teacups, 2 chili bowls, and 4 saucers was my haul for the day. And best of all only cut $21 out of my Christmas money. Well the poor dishes had to wait nearly 3 weeks before I finished my placemats, but I finally did.

And I loved it. So much so that I decided I needed to go back for more. I still had $30 stashed away from Christmas, and with very little convincing my Mom and I journeyed back, back into the mines of Moi.... umm I mean the basement of the junkstore. Once we got there my Mom informed me that she wanted to get me some fiesta for my bday so pick out what I wanted. Woots. So with some digging and thinking I wound up with plates, 4 cereal bowls, 1 large serving type bowl and a mug. This time I decided to go for colors I didn't have yet. The total this time $23. Ha I love the way the owner adds up prices, he looks at what you are holding, mumbles a few numbers knocking a bit off verbally. (exp "$3 minus 50c") I told my Mom later that perhaps next time we should get even more, since he seems to have a set price for an armload of fiesta.

This weeks haul:

And all together now:

Ahhh, So purty! I have to invite someone over to show them off now. And I have so much more to write after slacking for a couple weeks, but this post is already overly long. So hopefully more tommorow.

** For some reason my pictures are being cut off.. boo!**

Did I mention that not spending is boring.

Yea that, its boring. Ha Ha Anyway, its kind of second nature at this point. We have no needs being unmet. And no pressing wants, well not material ones anyway. I want my house to be spic and span...hmm maybe that is material.

I just wish a little floor cleaning fairy would visit my house every few nights. Floors are not my thing, even when I do try to keep a clean floor I just have a smeary floor with dog hair tumbleweeds. You just cant catch them!

And I do need to get a picture uploaded every now and then. Might spice this place up a bit.


Yea just a mini update to put off folding clothes a little longer. :)

Help I'm drowning in junk

The thing with decluttering is everytime I commit myself to doing it, I dont. Ha I really really need to just get on it. I want to do it Clean Sweep style drag it all out to the lawn and then only put back what needs to be in there. But thats not possible for a few reasons, the weather is crappy, even on a nice day to get the stuff outside we'd have to go down our awkward and steep deck stairs, and as soon as the first box landed in the front yard the neighbors would think it was a yard sale. Its funny cause its true. But the number one reason is I just can not get N on board. He doesnt get that drowning in shit feeling I get. Actually he's quite the opposite. Afraid to get rid of anything. I mean we still have crab nets from when we lived in WA. We live in KY, the only crabs around here are the... umm lets just not go there. he he

Anyway so what I'm doing is putting it in writing yet again. I need to declutter this place. I need to for me. I would like to have it done by Spring so when my mom does her spring yardsale we can tag team it. Last time I was gutsy enough to put it in writing I did pretty well for a few weeks so some places in the house should be a breeze. But others (closets!) are going to be tough.

E's room is also going to be tough. She just has too much stuff. Mounds of junky toys she never even sees. I need to just let them go. Its me hanging onto them. Not her. When I brought all of the tons of stuff home from Christmas I was almost sick. She did not need all this, it wont even fit in her giant toy bin thinger from IKEA. And that should be the thing that limits us. But I hate to get rid of things that have been given to us. I'm afraid of the person that gave it to us being hurt or getting angry. But c'mon we've got some givey people in our family and its piling up.

Ok I know I'm just rambling now, so I'm going to hop off here and try to make it look like I've done something today.

Happy New Year

We never really celebrate new years. Just a combo of having no friends nearby and prefering sleep. (Sweet sweet sleep.) I dont usual do a resolution thing. However this year I told myself I needed to blog more. I used to blog almost daily (before this one) and it was fun and I enjoy going back and reading it. So it should come as no surprise that as soon as I resign myself to do something that it does not get done. Ha. Here it is the 6th and I'm finally getting around to writing about writing more.

No spend still going well. We ate crappy fastfood a few times while we were staying in my parents town for Christmas. Fortunatly though we kept it cheap, 99c menus are fun. Looking back I realize I havent been to Joanns in months. The ladies there are probably wondering what happened to me. And that should be enough to tell you I was there far to often.

But I also still havent sewn anything (bag over head) I have started working on some placemats for the DR. But I cant make up my mind on a fabric on one and its had me stalled out for days. I had hoped to sew up about 100 pts for the stash game, and I still can but I need to get my butt in gear. And stop reading the stash game threads, the nit picking and pointing and I should get points and blah blah blah gets old fast. Hello its a "Stash GAME" you know game like it should be fun. Sigh, hello mini rant.

E is back to the potty after a few weeks of NOT using the potty. I am thrilled I knew she could I guess she just had to be hard headed. And I mention this because that is where she is right now, sitting on her potty singing to herself. So freakin cute. Now if I can just get her to get off the potty and go play. :p