Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Warm Fuzzies

So shortly after my last post, everyone started to filter back in. My Mom and bro returned from Church and N and E came back from breakfast at his moms. The house began to fill up with noise, and I got irritable. My Aunt stopped by on her way home from church and I was admiteddly irritated with her, since she knew my Dad was sick and resting.

BUT I am an asshat. Actually she stopped by because she had asked my Mom about my Dad at church. Dad had been feeling quite shitty to be honest. The Drs had given him a pill to help with the nausea but it cost $200 for one pill. Two frickin Hundred. So my dad kept saying he would keep it til he felt worse. In their world (and mine) 200 is a ton. Anyway here he was feeling too crappy to attend church, and trying to convince himself he felt fine.

Well my Aunt came in gave him $200 and made him take the pill. :)

It gave me the warm fuzzies.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

It's Quiet

Wow that word is so foreign to me I had to double check that I had spelled it correctly. We're visiting with family this weekend, and N and E are at MILs. Mom and lil bro are at church. And Dad is resting on the couch.

And here I am wanting to type something but having nothing new or interesting to relate. I just had to mark this monumental occasion. Ha Ha

Thursday, February 12, 2009


That's me today. I'm just down and yuck and angry and bluh. I feel overwhelmed and under stimulated at the same time.

Yesterday was my bday. It was also the day my Dad started his Chemo treatments. About a month ago N and I were preparing to go out on a Saturday. We never get out so I was fixing my hair for once. The phone rings and I sit on the edge of the tub and listen as my mom tells me my Dad has lung cancer. A lump forms in my throat but I try to remain steely and calm. I continue to calmly chat with her as I take E to her room and put her shoes on. We say our good byes and I love yous. I hang up the phone then run crying to N, my arms out stretched. It all comes pouring out in choking sobs. Why Why Why?! Hasn't this family had enough cancer? Why? E wonders in and I pretend to be fine and ask N to take her to her room to play. I cry more. and more and more. I want the past hour to disappear. I want to disappear.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of driving to visit them every weekend and then trudging through a slow week. A few years ago when my mom had cancer, members outside of my family told me what a relief it was for my family for me to be around. I cheer them up, I am the jokester the fun one.

I am the sad clown, a painted on smile and a tear sparkling in my eye. Its been eating me. Making me angry when I'm not "performing." I've said some mean things to N. Some horrible mean things. I'm the ornery alligator, the sleeping dog, the wicked bitch of the east. Anger is so much easier than sadness. So that's what I did. I got angry. I bet if I had a lawn with kids on it, they would've gotten a stern fist shaking.

Anyway I cracked. It all came pouring out and I'm trying to deal with things as they come. And I guess that means being sad. I am sad. I still want to go back in time.

After months of sending him around my dad is no closer to answers about his cancer than I am about this time machine I'm planning to build. Final result is 3% of cancers is unknown, and this is one of them. Course of action is to treat and test, til something shows positive results.

Sigh I'm sad and don't know how to be happy. I sit, I am ...but I am not.

Oh and for my birthday yesterday I ordered a yard of sparrows. Fuck the no spend.